Not Becoming My Mother

And Other Things She Taught Me Along the Way

May 7, 2009

Restaurant critic, Ruth Riechl, sees her mother for the first time after her death.

Ruth Reichl always thought she knew her mother. This was the same woman who, having forgotten the requisite snacks, dusted off a bowl of moldy chocolate pudding, threw in some prunes and broken pretzels, and served the concoction to her daughter’s Brownie troop. This memory became part of the “Mim Tales,” a collection of “Miriam” stories that Reichl wrote and spoke about often. As humorously outrageous as these reminiscences were, they turned out to be woefully incomplete.

Reichl discovered the real Miriam long after her death through letters and notes that Reichl kept hidden away in her basement. Not Becoming My Mother: And Other Things She Taught Me Along the Way is the sum of her mother’s turmoil, a heart-breaking story about living with regrets and a life unlived. In Reichl's short memoir, Miriam's constant battles with the self she wanted and the self she got, unfold with searing honesty, reminding the reader that happiness is ultimately in one's hands.

Losing Miriam

Miriam’s parents, Emil and Mollie Brudno, never supported her ambition or her budding independence. Her goal, more than anything, was to follow her father into the medical field, but she was undone by their blunt reaction to the news. “When she announced this to her parents,” Reichl writes, “they looked her up and down and said, ‘You’re no beauty, and it’s too bad that you’re such an intellectual. But if you become a doctor no man will ever marry you’” (7-8). Demoralized, she gave up that dream and went on to earn a Ph.D. in musicology at her mother’s behest. Even that accomplishment, however, did not warrant their respect. For Miriam’s life to be relevant, she would have to get married – if anyone would have her. As her father reminded her in a letter, she was a “dear girl” with a “fine mind,” but she was “homely.” “Finding a husband will not be easy” (20). Having internalized this sense of worthlessness nurtured by her parents, Miriam set off on a path of relentless misery.

Miriam’s first marriage ended when her husband left her. She had not lived up to the quintessential housewife model, something she reflects on unapologetically. “Who cares about menus and the way they are cooked when there are so many more interesting things to think about?” (37). Her next foray into marriage was with Riechl’s father (her brother, Bob, was from the first), a man who worshipped her mind and found her beautiful. They remained together until he died. Ernst loved his wife the way she had not been by her first husband; nevertheless, Miriam needed more. She needed an identity independent of her role as wife and mother.

Finding Miriam

Not Becoming My Mother is ultimately Miriam’s gift to her daughter. She wanted Riechl to be self-sufficient, to love herself, and, most importantly, to do what she had failed to do for herself – take control of her own happiness. It wasn’t until after Ernst had died that Miriam discovered Miriam, the woman buried under decades of sacrifices, self-loathing, and regrettable bitterness. Nearing 80, she began to travel, took in student boarders, and filled her life with her own unique passions. In essence, she found her true self, and Riechl found Miriam. “As I read [the letters] I began to understand that in the end you are the only one who can make yourself happy. More important, Mom showed me that it is never too late to find out how to do it” (110).

The copyright of the article Not Becoming My Mother in Biographies/Memoirs is owned by Dianha Simpson. Permission to republish Not Becoming My Mother in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.