A Million Little Pieces by James Frey
This Cutting Novel Tells a Tale of Redemption – and Loss
Jul 23, 2009
Not soon to be put behind them by any who read it, A Million Little Pieces is more than a story of addiction and striving to overcome. It is also about losing the fight, and the daily effort it takes, whether in the end the one institutionalised wins or loses.
The Disintegration of a Previous Life
James Frey talks of his family often throughout the book. It is always an experience of sad reminiscence, of hopes lost, of what might have been if things were different.
- “It would be nice to have my Family here with me now. It would be nice, despite the disintegration of our relationship over the past years…Though I doubt we would talk much, it would be nice to look each of them in the eye and say good-bye…tell them that I’m sorry, that me being who I am wasn’t their fault. Though we doubt we would talk much, I would like to tell them to forget me.”
By repeating phrases, James Frey underlines the hopeless, devouring pain that is the daily experience of an addict or a mentally ill person. “Though I doubt we would talk much…” shows his wish for communication, but his knowledge that the gulf between his experience and that of his family’s was too great to cross, to mend.
Forming Attachments
Often, in hospitals and institutions, relationships are formed. Some of these relationships last, and even end in marriage, but often they fade away, as each person is busy fighting their own, individual demons.
James Frey’s ill-fated relationship with the tragic Lilly helps them both through the period of institutionalisation, but ultimately it cannot save either one, especially Lilly, who kills herself. It is a poignant reminder that each person is responsible for themselves.
- “She is as beautiful a girl as I have ever seen. Her eyes, her lips, her teeth, her hair, her skin. The black circles beneath her eyes, the scars I can see on her wrists, the ridiculous clothes she wears that are ten sizes too big, the sense of sadness and pain she wears that is even bigger.”
In the end, each person must save themselves. This is what James Frey is saying.
Dealing With Pain
Institutionalisation, whether for psychiatric conditions or addiction, is a life-changing experience, whether for good or bad. Many are in and out of hospitals all of their lives. Lips have moved and much talk has floated around that denigrates James Frey’s account as false and sensational. But who can judge unless they have walked the same path? Even if certain accounts were fictional, the entire work is nonetheless powerful and troubling and rings of truth.
The outward pain was so great that James Frey pulls off a toenail to distract himself from it. For those who slice their arms, legs, and abdomens, his reasoning and actions make some sort of sense.
- “The Fury inside of me howls with delight. I pull and the nail breaks further. It tears the skin that holds it in place, severs the veins that feed it. Blood starts to flow. Like the flood, the pain is red. Give me more.”
Pain cannot often be dealt with in large chunks. It is too overwhelming. But for some, it comes on so strongly that it must be overwhelmed with some outer force. In this case, it was James Frey’s toenail that became the focus of his pain, rather than his psyche. The real, blood-red pain drew him back from the Edge, a place where few can stand to be for long, if at all.
Ultimately, James Frey finds his way through the maze of addiction and is able to pen this book, as well as multiple others. At the end of his book, he is with his brother, playing pool.
“He asks me if I’m ready and I smile and I tell him that I am. He asks me again he wants to make sure. I tell him yes, I’m ready.
“Yes, I’m ready.”
And the ultimate triumph of this book is that, at the end of it all, one hopes that he truly is.
Source: A Million Little Pieces, by James Frey, Anchor Books, 2003.
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